What am I gaining out of this? I don't know, really don't know. I need her like... like, it's too hard to describe.
But if she finds herself a boyfriend, maybe I'll feel a lot easier with myself. I won't like it, and it'll hurt like hell, and I'll probably be happy for her - no, I'm not sure about that. Is having fun supposed to hurt like this? At least I wouldn't be expecting her to come round to the room like I do sometimes, 'cos I know she'd be busy. At least the memories won't fade away. But even they hurt too.

And now, now I've driven a stake into the heart of our relationship. Killing it, almost. A fairly innocent statement was turned from a molehill into a mountain.
No other woman has brought me to tears... but last night I cried. I dreamed about her too last night - we were eating breakfast at my house in England.

Is there anything that you're afraid of? That really scares you? One of mine is that I might be lonely and on my own for the rest of my life. That thought scares the hell out of me. I hate arguing with her. I don't like bad feelings between us.

"I never thought a man could become so desperate. I never thought a life could lose so much hope. To tear at the roots around you as if in manacles or irons or ropes."

If I lose her, I lose part of myself. And there's a place within me specially reserved for all the memories of us together. Everything we've ever said or done; it's all there. Whatever else happens, I've got those memories forever and I can call on them whenever I want if I'm feeling a bit down. Just to think of her smile makes me happy.

Bye.